Funny-li-ti-cal view :- Best man for the Job by Gideon Olugbile

Good day people, we are here live in the studio of C.B.B, where today we have with us the former Chief Tenant of Asole Block Villa, and Ex- C.E.O of the Republic, in the person of Raheem Mamafinda aka Gap Tooth alias E. Genius.

Presenter: You are welcome to our studio sir.

E. Genius: Thanks I am very great.

Presenter: Ok, let’s talk about your new found ambition to become C.E.O of the Republic again, after been in charge for 8 years and a 17 year absence from the political scene. Why do you want to come back?

E. Genius: I am the best man for the job.

Presenter: But with a 17 year absence from the scene, are you up to date with the information age of this century?

E. Genius: The republic has not changed since I left, so I know what the people want.

Presenter: What do the people want?

E. Genius: Well, when I was there we moved “things” in millions and in Ghana-must-go bags, now it’s being done in billions. I want to start moving it in trillions with bullet proof vans (gives a gap-toothed smile).

Presenter: Is that what makes you think you are the best man for the job?

E. Genius: Well, Mr. questionnaire, you see, am the best man for the job, because I get am for plenty, plenty experience, in fact my brain is wired like per seconds billing, unlike the youths of this republic that are on per hour billing thinking.

Presenter: But don’t you think if people like you give the youths a chance, they might perform.

E. Genius: The youths of this republic are “olodos” and are incapable of ruling this republic. Look, it’s very clear that our young, young people sef, ba brain, ba sense, ba experience unlike Obama who get am for plenty experience and............................

stay tuned for the concluding part of the article in the edition 2.

24: LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT.........!!!

24: LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT
By Blue Blood

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 12.00AM AND 1.00AM ON THE DAY OF THE RETURN OF DON KASU PANDORA. THE NO. 1 CITIZEN OF THE REPUBLIC.

I got wind of his return the day before. It jolted me awake from my sleep after a long tiring day. But I was sceptical. We get so many winds in the Republic: the wind of petrol scarcity; the wind of health and educational workers strike; the wind of a Bomb in Aso Ebi Palace; name it! His plane was billed to touch down the capital city airport the morning of the 3rd day of the week.

I am an Ace journalist. I always want to be first. And I have an unprecedented record that support me: first to get to the office on Mondays when our chairman comes on routine visits;
First to leave the office when the MD is not around.
First to volunteer to cover The Republic’s matches on T.V as the stadium were always too crowded.
First to get married among the age 30+ group. Name it!
So, NATURALLY, I wanted to be the first to get a shot at the arriving No 1 Don of the Republic. This could earn me a Pulitzer Prize or a promotion at least. Who knows?
Some 90 something days after, we all expected him to have ‘chopped-up’. I mean what else has Ruita, his beloved and loving “yarinya” been doing by his bedside all these months if not taking care of him. Ok, apart from barring the high and low admin houses’ members and even the council members from seeing him, what else? Ok, apart from encouraging him to pass beyond, rather than step aside, what else? Huh? What else?

I took 2 shots of paraga, 2 shots of Aloma and 2 shots of gin, to stay sharp, alert and awake. I hopped into my car and drove through the freeway of the capital city en-route the airport.

Ehen, a colleague’s car in front of me and in my way, i pressed down on the accelerator and overtook him, driving him off the road in the process. Why? Cos I am an Ace reporter, and I NEEDED to be FIRST!!!


THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 1.00AM AND 2.00AM, ON THE DAY OF THE RETURN OF DON KASU PANDORA. THE NO. 1 CITIZEN OF THE REPUBLIC.

“My maigida, how are you feeling”? Ruita gently rubbed her husband chest. This used to bring desired effects in the bedroom in the good old days, but now…
“What would you like me to do for you” she further probed. “I’m going to ask you some questions. Blink your eyes once to mean “no”, blink twice to mean “yes”. Ok?
Don Kasu Pandora lay on his back. His eyes mulled over the tubes connected to his body. He tried to feel the sensations: his toes: no show, his finger: no show, his head: no show, his POWER-HOUSE: the response was immediate as he thought of his youngest yarinya!!! How much he needed a rub down there! Even if it was from Ruita, who was fast becoming frigid to such matters as she now paid more attention to National Politricks and Power Play.
“How can I make my maigida comfortable” Ruita thought to herself. The past 93 days has been harrowing for her. She had not in any of the 92 previous days had time to be by her husband. But on this 93rd day, he did deserve her attention.
She rubbed his forehead. “Do you want me to rub your head’? He blinked once.
She rubbed his hands. “Do you want me to rub your hands”? He blinked once.
She rubbed his feet. “Do you want me to rub your feet”? He blinked once.
And so, the rubbing of different parts of his body continued. Until..........
Her hand came close to Maigida’s Power House! His pulse began to race! His heart beat faster! His eyes rolled in unbridled excitement! Memories poured into his medulla oblongata!
“Do you want me to rub your.....”her voice trailed off as her eyes caught his own.
He was blinking and blinking and blinking and blinking and blinking….
He was blinking with so much intensity; the LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE began to display a malfunction signal!
“DOCTOR!!!” Ruita yelled, as she dashed out of the cabin to fetch the Doctor on board the flying ambulance.


(Go buy the mag to read d concluding part............lol)